Too bad really. We’ve been around the block a few times and might have something relevant to say. Whatever our intentions, our thoughts and suggestions often fall on ears that only hear criticism. It’s a thin line isn’t it?

Jan, a grandmother friend of mine, has the perfect story to illustrate. Her Mother-in-law was visiting the month before Jan was due to have a baby. “After you’ve given birth, go out and treat yourself – have your hair done.” Jan’s mother-in-law suggested. Jan wondered, what’s wrong with my hair?

Help is here! Deborah Tannen who wrote the definitive book on the conversations between men and women – You Just Don’t Understand – has written a new book on the conversations between Mothers and daughters – You wearing that? Understanding mothers and daughters in conversation. She will undoubtedly untangle the whole mess of communication between generations and hopefully those of us with sons, will learn something too. Unfortunately Granny B., sons not calling their Mothers is a universal problem which began when the phone was invented. Science suggests it’s in the DNA .
 

His first article only seemed to ask why today’s children didn’t enjoy the freedoms of past generations and what could we do to change that. There was no value judgment. This past Sunday’s article described today’s childhood as “overprogrammed, over supervised lockdown”. Definitely judgmental!

The majority of his E-mails looked to the earlier rendition of childhood as a positive experience and rued today’s lack of freedom. Applebome writes “Nostalgia for the joys- real or imagined – of one’s own childhood is eternal, as is the sense that each generation of children is headed for perdition in it’s own way. But clearly there’s more than nostalgia at work. And what’s different is a sense not that wayward children are headed toward Hades, but that parents are insisting on chauffeuring them there in their S.U.V’s”

There are four big issues at work says Applebome. The first is the physical environment. Do we want sidewalks, bike paths and a connected community or do we want to assume suburbia is just disconnected sprawl. Second is technology. Children have access to more, can communicate more than any children in history, but it’s all done in a bell jar. Third is school. Do we need to start college planning in middle school? The curriculum emphasis is on passing tests. What kind of message does that send? And finally he cites parental hysteria – about crime, achievement and everything else that could affect children’s lives. Parents, he says, are more invested in their children’s lives than is good for them or their children.

Our Children only get to be children once. Applebome, a middle-aged parent, feels they deserve better.

All is not lost, Mr. Applebome. We grandparents know your children will have one more chance to be a child again before it’s all over -- with their grandchildren!
 

Granny B.

I worry about the parents of today’s children. What’s going to happen when their children leave home?  There doesn’t seem to be much time or energy left over for marriage tending these days, so what’s going to fill that empty nest?  

Anne T., grandmother and wife of 50 years.
 
My daughter is the 24/7 Mom of two children, actively involved  in their school and extra curricular activities. She is always exhausted. I compare my own Motherhood and realize I took time out for my own activities, the change of pace was energizing. If I had to be a Mother today, I think I’d go crazy.  

Liz  B.
 
Is today’s world any more dangerous than the world in which our children grew up? Studies say no, crime statistics are down. Why then are parents so paranoid about their children’s safety? Is it really about control?  

Mary B

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In his article on how we took the child out of childhood, Peter Applebome writes about the findings of Steven Mintz, a history professor at the University of Houston, who has written the book Huck’s Raft: A History of American Childhood. Mintz sees three changes that have brought about today’s parental practices. The first is parental FEAR, brought about by excessive media coverage. It’s a big bad world out there, just read the morning papers or watch t.v. Children need to be protected from it. Second, is COMPETITION. The pressures of economic and social status tied with getting into the right college start in early childhood. Last, GUILT. Parents spending long hours working away from home feel they should provide a “DESIGNER” childhood to make up for their absence.

Makes you happy to be old doesn’t it?
 

Looking back at my own Motherhood, I see I helped raise every child in our neighborhood as did every other mother. The doorbell was always ringing with some kid at the door wanting to play. Those “other” children ate dinner at our house, slept over, were temporary members of our family now and again. Our children learned that every family is different, and how to adapt to those differences, great lessons for life in the wider world. Yes, there were kids in the neighborhood who were not good influences, but we dealt with that and our children learned something about what they didn’t want to be and what didn’t work.

In a way, those two earlier generations played a major role in raising themselves. They learned to take care of themselves, how to solve the problems they encountered and how to adapt. All necessary life’s skills. Is this “managed” generation learning those skills? I hope to live long enough to find out.
 

MBG from the perspective of 75 years.